Church communities each have their own cultures. This can be a beautiful thing. However, some cultures are safer than others. Good anti-abuse church policy is great and helpful, but it can only go so far if there is a culture where some people are allowed to ignore those rules.
How community cultures come to be is complex. They can combine inside personalities and outside influences, what’s taught on Sunday and how people hold the teachings, and a variety of intentional and unintentional choices, among other things. There is no magic bullet teaching or perfect denomination that makes a church culture safe.
Here is a list of questions to ask when evaluating how safe any church culture is.
- Do you and your children feel safe and able to express what you’re thinking and feeling honestly?
- Is this a community where you feel comfortable setting boundaries (both concerning yourself and your children) and where the leadership and community respect those boundaries?
- Is this a community where people try to earn your trust or do they assume you should trust them?
- Does this community (purposefully or not) tend to isolate you or your kids from outside relationships?
- As far as you can tell, does everyone follow the church’s policies or is there one or more people who treat themselves (or who others treat) as above the rules?
- If you saw something or heard something that was wrong or just seemed off would you know where to go with it? And would you feel like you could follow up even if the problem was with someone in leadership?
- Is the church community eager to listen and understand and quick to compassion, or are they quick to judge and shame?
The more honest we are with the answers to these questions, the better we know where we stand and what decisions we have to make. If we feel safe and the answers we get are positive, GREAT! Just consider going through the questions again in a year or two or after any major changes as cultures will change over time.
If the answers to the questions were less favorable, you have a decision to make. You can either leave or you can try to help change the culture. If you feel unsafe or are concerned for your family’s safety, it’s time to leave! This can be incredibly hard and the decision to go can be a complex one, but protecting yourself and your family from abuse is an act of following Christ. Unfortunately, following Christ sometimes looks like leaving a church even if others don’t understand.
If you do find yourself in a position where the culture could improve but you feel safe and feel you might have an influence, you might choose to stay and try to improve the culture. This might mean leading by example, talking about the culture you want to see, and maybe working with others to come up with creative ways to move the culture in a healthier direction.
As always, a good culture is no guarantee that abuse will never happen, but it along with good church safety policies do make a difference. Also, consider how to equip your kids and yourself to be more resistant to predatory tactics.